Caption Woe #2: Why Baseball Games Give Me Tourettes

I recently had the pleasure of captioning a White Sox baseball game for four and a half hours. Every third word out of my mouth came up incorrectly. It felt like trying to talk to someone who'd shoved rocks in their ears and as a result was unable to understand anything clear beyond basic articles like "it", "a" or "the".
The program is especially fond of interchanging in/and. All night long it switched out simple, easy-to-comprehend words with the most non-sequitur, random, totally dissimilar substitutions:

Elks for outs.
Rounds for runs
She for he. 
To for two/2
Clinton for Quentin (Last name of a player)
Terrible for durable
_______ for fingers...I can't remember what it kept replacing for fingers and it's probably best that I don't.
He gun; He's gone; She's gonna; Key gun; for "he gone". Yup. I had to repeat "he gone" five times before it finally got it right. But when I whispered "unbelievable" under my breathe in exasperation, PERFECTION. How it taunts me.

Somewhere between the second "elk", the fifth "she" and the "terrible" player, I finally gave up speaking altogether and typed out every word. Understandbly, this resulted in countless Jesus-Christ's spewing out of my mouth, sometimes with a creative middle name added in-between. (No, it wasn't Heratio and it ended in "ing".) I just hope all the drunken bar flies watching the game Friday nights appreciate what captions we can provide under the oppressive thumb of the program's idiocy.

Why KIAH NewsFix makes me blush and mentally smack my head against a wall.

I had to caption this tonight. Italics are used to emphasize the same words the announcer emphasized.

YOU'VE HEARD OF THE U.S CENSUS. BUT HOW ABOUT THE SEX CENSUS?! TROJAN, YES, THE CONDOM COMPANY TOOK THAT IDEA AND CAME OUT WITH A TROJAN U.S SEX CENSUS. THEY TARGETED 10 MAJOR U.S CITIES. THEIR FINDINGS SHOW THAT THE AMOUNT OF SEX WE'RE HAVING DEPENDS ON OUR GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION. AND GOOD KNEWS FOR HOUSTONIANS. WE'RE ON A GOOD SHAGGING-SPREE! (Cue Austin Powers clip, "Grrr baby, very grrr!") SO DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A LOT SEX? MOVE TO THE NORTHEAST. THEY CAME OUT ON TOP.

THIS 21-YEAR-OLD IS SERVING HARD TIME IN A MICHIGAN JAIL FOR BANK ROBBERY. BUT IT SEEMS HE`S CONFUSED ON WHAT 'DOING HARD TIME' ACTUALLY MEANS. HE IS SUING GOVERNOR RICK SNYDER AND THE STATE BECAUSE HE CAN`T PLEASURE HIMSELF TO PORNOGRAPHY.
(Cue graphic of a gavel, which is very deliberately tilted at an angle that resembles an erect penis. Really, Newsfix? You find this childish innuedno necessary when you're already running sexually-charged stories as explicitly as you legally can?)
 
Wait, it gets better.
 
HOW'S THIS FOR A LITTLE EXTRA RISE-AND-SHINE IN YOUR MORNING! IT'S COFFEE WITH A SMILE...AND NOT MUCH MORE!  A HANDFULL OF COFFEE SHOPS IN THE SEATTLE AREA ARE SERVING UP STEAMING CUPS OF JOE... TOPLESS! AT "ESPRESSO GONE CRAZY", AND WITH THE HELP OF THEIR BRALESS BARISTA'S, SALES ARE SKYROCKETING! GUARANTEED TO KEEP YOU UP...AND COMING BACK FOR MORE.

Need I say more? I'll say this much: NewsFix, you are the posterchild for the embarassing decay of modern news broadcasting. A pitifully immature, shamelessly attention-seeking, overtly sexist, male-dominated posterchild. I can't wait until either Texas decides to cut funding for your idiotic station or I'm no longer responsible for setting captions to your sensationalistic drivel. Thank you goodnight.